The Truths and Challenges of Life

It is true to say that life is not easy and certainly does its best to surprise, haunt and challenge you, but I can honestly say that the last week or so has been one of the toughest I have ever had to endure. Yet as I come out of one of my greatest challenges I find myself looking at things in a different way and finally connecting back to Mother Nature, a connection that has become lost lately. (A small hint, if you want to know how I feel then buy a Sigur Ros album, go find somewhere quiet away from people and just listen, you will be inspired, believe me).

I shall start from the beginning and start by describing who I am. I am a budding and eager naturalist/conservationist/scientist, I am a person who believes in the Natural World, believes in the simplicity and complexity that it shows, believes in the morale’s and the goodness that it stands for. I feel connected to the Natural world and it completes who I am as a person. Whenever a bird bursts out a chorus of song or when the ocean decides to take its anger out on a bunch of rocks and you just stand there close your eyes and feel the anger and raw power, whatever it is, it just makes sense and can be understood. This feeling defines where I want to go in life and I truly believe that if I can focus this feeling and control it then I can change things.

This leads me to the past few weeks…

A month or so ago I took up a position as a researcher on the Kalahari Meerkat Project, which is a joint research project run by the University of Cambridge and the University of Zurich and aims to improve understanding of our knowledge of social co-operation and the evolution of social behaviour in mammals.

I decided to apply as a research volunteer for a number of reasons, some of them to do with my conservation career and also some personal, as lately I have felt that I have lost my way a bit and my unique connection with the Natural World was being sacrificed . (Putting the world’s problems on my shoulders, the feeling of not doing enough, the lack of a conservation job and girl troubles all contributed). I also wanted to be more independent, be my own man, learn more, meet new people and grow into who I wanted to be.

I arrived with high hopes and was once again pleased to be back in Africa (in 2008 I spent 5 great months in Namibia working with cheetahs) as Africa does seem to soothe the soul, it seems to have some magical essence about it, like Nature’s special place. The first two weeks at the project, I must admit were very hard as the hours in the field were long and there is a lot to learn in terms of how to collect, input and analyse the data, it was very overwhelming. After these training weeks I felt ok and I was starting to settle in and find my way, starting to feel again, then the bombshell came…My Nan had passed away, what a bombshell it was, it shocked me to the core and tore me up inside. My mum’s mum had been my rock over the years, she was my best friend, someone who believed in me, someone who believed in family and friendship and was the nicest person with the warmest heart, a person I trusted 110%, if there was a definition of a perfect grandparent then here was your example.

So what to do? Do I return home and say goodbye, or do I stay in the Kalahari and get on with the work? I did the sensible thing and went home for 4 days. I needed to see my family, to grieve and to say goodbye and gain some peace on my fractured soul. These 4 days at home in Jersey were full of emotions, feelings and the love of friends and family and I thank everyone for their compassion and understanding. The funeral was awful, to finally realise a chapter of your life has ended cannot be really explained by words, I was broken, empty and emotionally drained.

To then travel again from Jersey to Africa (around 24 to 28 hours) after a funeral and only 4 days at home was hard, really hard but I was determined to follow what I believe in.

Now I write this after sleeping for 13 hours! During my first full day back in the Kalahari, and how do I feel?

Well I am still not quite myself but I am better, less at turmoil. I see where I am going now and what I want to do and how being here fits into my dreams. I have returned with a greater determination to live my life to the full and to not be beaten down with how as a species we are destroying this magical planet. There is a reason why I put the world’s problems on my shoulders and that is because I honestly feel I can help solve them, to be the inspiration to move our society from the laws and pure greed of consumerism, to find a new inner wealth rather than a material one. The truth is that you should live your dreams, not just dream your life away, anyone can achieve anything as long as they believe in themselves and what they stand for (something I have found hard to do). There is always hope…

One of my good friends called me different the other day and I suppose I am, different in that I have found my passion, my calling and I will use the great memories of my Nan and the pure essence of nature to drive me forward. I will do my best not to be distracted, just watch this space…