The legacy of depression

Hi all,

I am still amazed at how life can be so unpredictable and such a huge roller coaster. You have not heard from me in a while as I have had no idea how to start to even write what has been happening. My eyes are quickly filling with tears just as I write these first few sentences.

Firstly I was going to write about Wildscreen and how I managed to overcome so much of my anxiety problems and really gave that week all that I could. Secondly, this second blog post was going to be called 'How counselling saved me', if only this was the case.

Things have kinda fallen to pieces, especially in the past couple of weeks and I do not want to say too much but once again I am just me. There has been a realisation within me that I do not have the strength or commitment to give 100%, I just cannot do it at the moment, no matter how hard I try. I have tried so so hard but there is just a part of me that refuses to let go of the past, to let go of my anxieties, my issues, my problems. This illness is more than just a phase. I now realise that it is a part of who I am, which really hurts, right down to the core. It brings me to tears, but I must be strong and pick myself up.

I know that I have fought really hard with this and that I have made so much progress, but it is still a learning curve and I still do not know how deep this goes. I have caused so much pain, I feel awful. But, what could I do? continue to fool myself and drift along with all this anxiety and uncertainty? To say to someone that I am fine when in fact I am not 100% reliable? I just could not do that, that is not me and I have always said to myself that I will try and do the right thing in my life. This journey needs to be just me and perhaps I am the only one who understands this.

The realisation that I am not me begs the question of when did this start to happen? It is all so messed up.  I am sorry that this post is more of a ramble rather than anything else as I just do not know what to say or write or do.

It is such a travesty that mental illness has hidden in the shadows for so long because I really do now understand why people take their own lives and how it can make someones life a living hell. The way your mind can change completely so much that you question who you are and what your life is, is one of the worst things anyone can experience.
What I do know is that hiding within me, laying dormant is the love, passion and empathy for the natural world that is a part of me and if I were to fail with this battle with my mind then I would be failing all the animals and plants that I hold so close to me.

I promise that the next post will be a little bit more cheerful but I hope this blog is helping others who are in the same position. To admit that you suffer from anxiety/depression is so so hard but is the first step to recovery, the problem is that due to our hectic lives and the pressures on all of us it is becoming far too common

Until next time...

SLQ