Discovering Depression

Before you read this, this post was originally written a few months back, when I was in quite a dark place and I was struggling to see how to get out of it. This piece was originally written for Mind, the mental health charity, but the headlines in my local newspaper in Jersey have triggered me to post this. We need to talk about mental health, why is their a stigma for your brain, the most complex organ on the planet, going wrong. Why?

I hope this manages to help some people and to maybe blow this issue open a bit.

SLQ

Hi all,

I will fully admit now before I write this that I am not quite sure where this piece of writing will go. I have just completed my first session of karate for 2 months and my mind is unravelling and doing silly things so I am going to share this with you.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought as a kid that I would have depression and battle it for a number of years, it is pretty rubbish I can tell you that. Looking back I have probably had it for the last 10 years or so, but I had no idea what mental health was or how it could affect my life back then. I just thought the constant battles with my mind were normal and I was just weak and pretty much not good enough, so I battled on and on and on until I snapped. It literally took two mini breakdowns for me to realise that I needed to talk to someone. In the end when I look back it all stems from me being a victim of some heavy bullying at school as well as my parents divorce and the break up of what was a sturdy family unit.  Being told you were crap and rubbish (that is putting it mildly) and then beaten up for 5 years at school was not good. The problem was I had no idea I was cracking up, not a clue.

I am currently sitting here in my room with my karate gear still on, trying to think of a way to describe depression or tell you what it is. The thing is, I can’t, it is all in the mind and it is different for everyone. All I can really talk about is my experiences and myself.

You know I am struggling to hold everything in at the moment as I am a little fed up of the battle and the strength needed to battle this illness, it is so, so tiring to battle your negative thoughts every single day. With me, it just takes my identity away once it is triggered, Stephen the person is gone and what’s left is this anxious, mumbling, nervous, paranoid wreck who think he is not good enough for anyone or anything and who has no motivation for anything. I hate it, I really do, it has wrecked large parts of my life and a lot of the time it has only been my sheer stubbornness that has got me through.

I am pretty much in pieces at the moment, as I just know how much it wrecks me and takes away who I am. That is what it does! It takes away my identity! Imagine knowing who you are but not being that person because your mind will not let you, that is what it is for me…it affects me in so many ways, and even now, 2 years after I finally realised that I needed help, I am still discovering new ways about what depression is for me. I am still discovering about how it is triggered, how my view of the world is not quite correct and how my passion and desire for the natural world just disappears into a black hole with the words “you are not good enough to do this”.  That really upsets me, as the environment is my greatest passion and I am determined to change the world, the problem is that my mind at the moment is not playing ball.

The last couple of years have been one hell of a battle and I have needed my friends and family to help me, especially my youngest sister, even though I would never admit it.

I have had the CBT, the one on one counselling sessions and the drugs, it has been one hell of a long haul, but I refuse to give up because I know one day that I might actually be happy with me.  The hardest step is to admit things are wrong, after I admitted this I felt as if a huge weight came off my shoulders.

If you are reading this then I hope this has helped in some way, it has been quite a strong bit of writing, which is how I can be sometimes.

I am very open about my depression, which helps me as it makes me feel more normal, so if you are reading this and would like some advice or anything, then I am sure my contact details are on this page, I am always happy to help.

The main thing is depression is far from being rare, many, many people suffer in silence. You are definitely not alone.

Take care and I do hope to write here again sometime soon.

Stephen

The Problems with Being Green

Hi all,

So...I have been thinking, pondering and drafting as to how to write this blog post. What do I say? How do I say it? Does anyone read this? All of these thoughts have passed through my very active mind during the past weeks and this is what I have come up with. First of all though, a quick update.

Birdfair
I had the amazing privilege to attend Birdfair 2013 in Rutland a few weeks back and the original idea was to dedicate a blog post to it, but there have been many blog posts about this amazing wildlife festival (one can be found here: http://wildeaboutbirds.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/rutland-bird-fair-2013-people-not-bird.html). This is a post by the awesome Finlay Wilde, a young chap who gives me hope for the future. To sum up Birdfair, it was all about meeting amazing people, exchanging ideas, creating friendships and doing as much bird-watching as humanly possible. I could not have asked for more, so thank you to everyone that I met.

Me
Well, to say that my life is a roller-coaster would pretty much sum things up over the past few weeks. Many things have happened, but most are quite personal and I cannot really say. One thing is that I am single once again, my depression is still with me, but under more and more control and I am definitely heading in the right direction. I am now also taking swimming lessons (for a reason to be revealed at a later date), am playing football again AND my families of Swallows have decided to nest again, which has put a big smile on my face. It will be a sad day when they leave for the warmth of Africa.

The Post
Anyhow, the reason why I feel the need to do a piece of writing is that after a session with my amazing Life Coach/Counsellor (http://www.helloglowcoaching.com) the issue of how conservationists and naturalists are perceived came into the conversation, and it has made me think a considerable amount as to how we are all perceived by the media and general public.
Communicating about the natural world is one of my great passions, I want to be on the radio, television and leading guided walks to tell people how lucky we are and how important the natural world is to all of our lives.
The problem with being green is that we all come across a little too negative, a movement that is in the back, fighting for what is right for us and wildlife, but not for the economy or for the normal person, a movement that is quite selfish, old and just moans all of the time. Harsh, but true, and in my current job the media just treat all wildlife stories as a side project, a bit of quirky fun that fills the last few seconds of a news programme.
But why?...why? why? why? It is something that I do not really have an answer for to be honest, but it is something I am determined to change. This is the planet we live on we are talking about, not some fashion product. This is where we live.

The truth is, the environmental movement does not just fight for wildlife, but for people, for the economy and to try and create another way of life that will be happier, cheaper and less harmful to all of us. Greening cities, more open spaces, community programs to bring people together and bring smiles to peoples faces. One question to ask yourself...When the weather is sunny, warm and pleasant, where do we all go? Inside?...
There is no doubting that we are destroying this planet, big time, and if it crumbles into dust, then who do you think will suffer? Us. Food prices will go up, the economy will crash... etc etc etc, blah, blah, blah...I do not want to preach and tell you what will happen (I will leave that to Greenpeace etc).

The thing is, we cannot go on like we are. On the flip side we have this incredible, amazing, once in a lifetime, once in human history opportunity to change the way we live. Something that can be so positive and solve many of the problems we face. The research is there, the technology is there, but the communication and public image is not and that is something that needs to change. It is something I am determined to change, for my family, for wildlife and for everyone else.

Here is one brilliant story I will leave you with:
http://www.livescience.com/6399-5-minutes-nature-boost-mental-health.html


SLQ