Trying to unravel depression

Hi all,

This is a blog post that i have been trying to write for a while now but i can never quite come up with the words or the courage to type something out. I really want to describe what i go through when i experience depression/anxiety but the process is harder than i thought it would be.
Today though seems very fitting as i had a counselling session that starts another step in my therapy and i know talking about this will help me and hopefully help others as well.

I do not really how to start, so this might be a bit all over the place!
Ok, so first of all i must say that depression is different for everyone and comes in many different shapes and forms. Scientifically it is all to do with a change in chemicals in the brain and a dominance of negative thoughts, it really is an illness. It changes how you think and perceive everything, from how the world works to what people think of you and makes the very easiest of tasks so much more difficult. As i am going through this journey i can completely understand why people decide to take their own lives,.This might be a huge shock to some people but i have thought about it in the past, not so much now but in my younger years i did wonder about it, although i never went through with it.

When it comes to me i have alot of emotions and feelings from my past that i have never dealt with or confronted, most of which i have explained in a previous post (they include family loss, school bullying, heartbreak) and over the years all of these negative thoughts have twisted how i think and perceive the world. By nature, i am not a depressive person but what seems to happen is that gradually negative thoughts will creep in bit by bit and i do not really deal with them but carry them with me, there then comes a tipping point when something in my brain switches and i break and just cannot deal with it anymore. This happened the other weekend at a friends house, granted i had a bit of alcohol but this just made me more honest and by the end of the night i was crying uncontrollably on the steps, something which i have felt like doing for years but never had the courage to do so. I have lost count the number of times i have wanted to cry and let out my emotions but just kept it inside of me instead. (Feelings though never go away and i think this is the case for everyone).
I just could not handle the thoughts and feelings anymore, all the hate, anger, fear, sorrow, sadness, anxiety and pain all became too much, even writing about it now puts a tear in my eye. This so so bloody hard.

To be honest, i should of just let it all out sooner, many years ago, but i have never taken mental health seriously until now and i just thought that i was weak and that my feelings were normal. I now know this is the exact opposite.
If i were to give any advice it would be to talk, talk, talk, talk and talk some more, to your friends, family, family GP, or just to your pet dog (i used to did this alot and it really helped to organise my thoughts).
The next step for me is a programme of one on one counselling to try and really unwind the feelings that i have and to accept them, which started today. I always thought that the greatest battle i would ever face would be to protect the natural world but i must admit this might just supercede it.

Until next time...

Stephen