Don't Call Me Crazy

Hi all,

If you are reading this I hope you are well and enjoying the outdoors.

Originally I planned this blog to be about my experiences as a naturalist and conservationist as I know it is a bit of a secret world, but once again I find myself writing about mental health, with a particular focus on myself. To be honest, I am not a great fan of writing of talking about myself because I dislike being the centre of attention. However I feel it is more important for people to get an insight as to what depression and mental health issues are and to also tell everyone that if you are suffering then you are not alone by a long, long shot.

What has really sparked off this piece of writing is a programme on BBC Three called 'Don't Call Me Crazy' and it is a documentary covering the stories of an NHS mental health institute for teenagers aged 13 to 17. I highly recommend it as it is quite an eye opener and you are able to watch it on the BBC iplayer.
I related to the patients and staff and they are quite brave to actually go on television and talk about their minds and how they suffer from OCD, Depression, panic attacks or have voices telling them what to do. In the end many of these problems have been created by family issues and a lack of stability whilst growing up. Anyway, it is a must watch from my point of view.

The link to the episodes is: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p01b86w5/episodes/guide

Over the last couple of months I have been steadily improving as I am now off my medication, which was bloody tough to do. As soon as I came off it my insecurities came back and the withdrawal symptoms messed me up a bit. I was dizzy, had bursts of light in my eyes (hard to explain) and suffering from nausea for a couple of weeks before it faded away. I did a bit of research and realised this was normal for the drug I was taking, even in low doses.

Ok, that is enough about me, all I really wanted to say is that the programme made me realise that I do not think you can really understand depression/anxiety unless you actually go through it. That may sound harsh but the problem with mental health is that you cannot really see it physically and everyone thinks it is made up or not very serious. HELLO! NOT THAT SERIOUS?! This is your brain effectively being ill, it is on full shutdown mode and is struggling to cope with the real world and when you stop and think about it, that is huge, really huge. Your brain is you, it is everything you are.
The best way I can explain is that it is like someone has sucked out your brain and who you are and left you with an empty space. You then need to try bit by bit to find your mind again, which is done piece by piece. To think this all goes on in such a tiny space, but then again the mind is the earth's most complicated product of evolution.

Some people can be quite shocked as to how open I am about all of this, but to be honest I am not ashamed, this is just who I am. It does help me to explain things in words as it makes it more real and straightforward, but I mainly write this to help other people as I am coming out of the other side. I am here to help people who are struggling and feel messed up because of the crazy, unhealthy lives that we lead.

If you find me on Twitter and Facebook then I am always here for advice and information and a little help. I am not a medical professional by a long way but I felt the loneliness, the sadness, the feelings of suicide, the OCD and the belief that I am not good enough for this world (holy shit that is big!).

Hopefully this may be my last mental health post for a while, we will see. I do actually love to chat, talk and get wrapped up in the natural world. That is the real me, but I need to find a healthy, stable place first.

Just remember that you are not alone...

Take care,

SLQ

(Twitter: @slequesne)

P.S. A great book to read is 'Sane New World' by Ruby Wax.

This is Who I am...

Hey all,

Are you ready for this one?...

I was not planning to write a piece on my blog for a while but I have been challenged by my life coach to write something about who I am, so this is it (that is my disclaimer!).

I suppose I have not been honest about everything I want to achieve as I did not want to come across as arrogant or someone that seeks the limelight for the wrong reasons.

So here you go Linzi, this is for you and for everyone else who knows me and believes in me...

So who am I? I am me, a naturalist/conservationist/scientist and someone who has a passion for the natural world, who believes in the natural world and who will protect it for the rest of my life.

This passion inside me I have ignored in the past just due to sheer embarrassment and insecurity of feeling different...but no more. I have this light and burning desire inside of me that from now on I am going to embrace, but I will need all of your help. 

Throughout my whole life all I have ever wanted to do is good, to do the right thing and be a hero, yes that sounds a bit silly but it is true. I want to stand up and be counted, to lead and create an example for everyone else to gain inspiration from.

This planet is amazing, it is special, unique, crazy, beautiful, ridiculous, inspiring and brutally honest and I want to be here to save it, to stand up and be a role model.

There has been quite a bit of talk lately about the successor of David Attenborough and to be honest there will never be one as he is unique. What we do need is more of is conservation heroes, people in the public eye who people trust and who do the right thing and that is who I want to be. 

I have a desire to be that hero, to chat on the radio, to go on the talk shows, to make wildlife programmes and to communicate all that I can about the natural world. I want to be a wildlife television presenter and be the best me I can be, not the best Attenborough I can be, but the best of what I could possibly be.

Not only this but in the future I want to also set my own charity. A charity that focuses on environmental communication that involved education, wildlife filming and photography in the community. Like Gerald Durrell had a vision for his world changing zoo, which I visit weekly, I know exactly what I want. A network of community based wildlife education centres (farms) that run programmes such as Forest School, a place for the community where people can meet, enjoy wildlife and become inspired by it. I want something different, something that will change not only the natural world but the lives of people as well. 

Bloody hell, that is pretty big ay? I told you I was going to be honest and that is all I ever try and be. The thing is, I cannot do this alone, none of us who work in the environmental area can, we need the public to care, to help and get involved.

I think I will leave it there for now as I need some sleep and I am pretty shattered. Hopefully I have made some sense and said something new and not come across as arrogant, even though that is probably just me being insecure and paranoid. 

At the end of the day I just want to do some good as integrity is so important to me. Yes I have my problems with my mental health but I am not afraid of them and fingers crossed that they are now being dealt with and I have come out of the other side. 

I actually feel quite embarrassed to have written this but it is out there now and most of the credit for that goes to Linzi. Thank you Linzi...

Lets hope you hear a lot more from me in the future, lets hope the next journey starts here...

SLQ 

The Heart Never Lies...

Hi all,

Just to let you know that this will again be quite a personal blog, but there are things that I really need to say and just explain.
The past few months have been pretty horrendous (especially January as some good friends have passed away) but as I write this at the start of February 2013 I seem to be finally winning the battle to get myself on that start line once again.

For people who have not read this before for the past 18 months I have been battling depression that I now know I have had for a substantial amount of years (at least 5 I think). It is something I never really realised that I had until I had a small breakdown during the first few months of a relationship.
Anyway, the past few months have been crap, I am not going to lie, I have really struggled to pick myself up this time and of all of the times that I have had to pick myself up and dust myself this has been the hardest by a country mile. One reason for this is that I a not a fan of Christmas and New Year as I get incredibly lonely and have many thoughts of being unwanted and useless over the holiday period. The second reason was the ending of a relationship which ended pretty badly and was so so tough, especially as I was the one ended it. I never thought I would have to end a relationship with someone who I loved that much, who I cared for that much, but now that I step back and analyse I know that I did it for the both of us.

I do actually hope she is reading this as I still think about her every day and for all of the times she was there for me, loved me and helped me through my illness, a part of me will always love her and I will never ever think badly of her. She is truly someone very special and all I want is for her to be happy and I hope she knows this. In the end we both needed to find ourselves again and stand on our own two feet.

As the dust settles and I walk away from one chapter, another one starts. One thing that has really turned things around for me is that I have been seeing a life coach. I must admit that at first I was a bit hesitant but the person who coaches me is a good, good friend and I can honestly say that she has helped me a lot. I feel like she has grabbed me, shaken me around, picked me up and put me back on track and bit by bit started putting me back together. I have always known that I have had the potential to do anything as I believe in my career with everything I have, but has just all become lost over the past couple of years as I have had to come to terms with realising how far my depression goes and how much it has been a part of me for so long.

Lately though things have been looking up and I feel a bit more...well...me...
Ever since I admitted to myself that what has happened in my life has led me to having problems with my mental health I knew that the most important thing was to battle it, fight it and deal with it, otherwise I would have it for the rest of my life. It has been the hardest thing to do and I do not think that people realise how hard it really is for anyone who goes through this. I have had to challenge who I am as a person and basically re-boot my mind and how it perceives everything and I mean everything. Bloody hell it is a hard thing to do and I am not surprised that mental health problems are on the increase as the way we live our lives is just not right. Too much stress, too much pressure, too fast and all the small things that are important just get lost.

I have many things to focus on but my main goal is to become a wildlife television presenter (there I said it!, happy Linzi :P). There has been a lot of focus lately on who will succeed Sir David Attenborough. To be honest there will never been anyone like him but there is someone writing this who wants to be that role model, that point of contact so if there are any industry people reading this I am throwing my hat in the presenter ring so to speak. I am here to tell stories and communicate.

I will leave you by saying that if you are reading this just trust who you are, believe in who you are and remember that your gut instinct and heart never lie, that is the lesson that I have learnt over the past few months and is one I will never forget.

SLQ